Grad School Group Dynamics

Aspiring Academic - who calls herself a small fish in a big pond - wondered about the social dynamics of grad school.  Here are some excerpts from her longer post:

"I am beginning to wonder if anyone ever makes true friends in graduate school. Most everyone here seem super competitive - I tend to be more of a cooperative learner....I find myself feeling pretty lonely within my department. I have some acquaintances, sure... but I feel like there is no real safe ground to create friendships...."

She went on to ask the following questions:

"Anyone got any suggestions? Fellow gripes? Experiences to share? Feel free to post anonymously - I really would like to get a feel for the variety of academic experience... are other schools more friendly? Does it get better when you become a professor - or worse because of issues of tenure? Speak up... I am listening."

I answered Aspiring Academics post as follows:

"My experience is that whether or not bonds of friendship develop depends on the culture of the department and the group dynamics of the particular entering classes. Often, it depends on the collegiality of the professors as much as they students because they set the tone of group dynamics. If the professors are squabbling divisively, and competing for scanty departmental resources, the negativity often filters down to the grad students' relationships. In contrast, sometimes departments that are highly dysfunctional will create a bonding-against-bad-parents spirit among grad students."

In my coaching practice, people work with me either because they have problems with their work habits -- usually difficulties getting themselves to write --  or they have political problems.  The most common political problem I hear about is advisor angst.  Many grad students seek help to try to manage a difficult dissertation chair: especially harshly critical or neglectful advisor.  The most common complaint I hear about is advisors who don't hand back drafts and/or don't provide useful guidance and feedback. 

When junior faculty have political problems it tends to be in coping with extremely dysfunctional departments.  Or enemies on their tenure committees.  I've also worked with many folks whose problems stem from even higher in the university system (such as departmental cuts, lecture appointments that never become tenure track jobs, a horrendous dean or provost, etc.,.) 

I probably have a skewed sense of how frequently departments are dysfunctional -- over the years I've heard many extreme stories about abusive advisors (from sexual harassment, to plagiarizing the student, to complete emotional instability and unexpected rages.)  I've also heard some pretty extreme examples of back-stabbing colleagues and incompetent administrators. 

Grad students don't seek coaching, usually, because they lack friends within their department.  When a lack of camaraderie becomes a major complaint, it is more typically at the level of junior professor, in my experience.  In most cases, it seems easier to make good friends as a grad student than as a junior professor.  Even when there is competition among grad student peers, it has no real consequences -- unlike the ramifications for junior faculty who are being judged by their colleagues.  And the ramifications of social isolation is most difficult, I think, among single faculty who are far from metropolitan areas.  It can be really hard to make close friends. (One of the reasons blogging can be so wonderful as a way of creating a "virtual" support network.)

I know many people who have made wonderful friends in grad school.  This was not my own experience however.  I was in a clinical psychology department where we were not only vying to be the most brilliant but the most warm, empathetic, understanding and insightful.  It was a recipe for underground competitive angst that left many of us unhappy and isolated.  In my first year, there developed a clique of about 4 or 5 of the 14 students in our cohort.  By halfway through the year, grad school felt like junior high school.  Some of us were "in" and some of us were "out."  This situation eased over time -- perhaps because we became more secure that we were not "impostors", perhaps because we lowered our expectations about the social connections we'd have within the program.  At least one student dropped out of the program because of the exclusionary nature of the clique.

Competition among peer grad students seems to be most intense, and problematic, when it happens in a science lab.  Here, when the professor assigns projects to students, and dissertations depend on the quality of experimental results, there can be severe consequences from favoritism and competition becomes a real career threat.

I could go on... and probably will... later.

Comments

[Pilgrim/Heretic]

I think you're right that department culture is so important in cultivating (or not) collegiality. I chose not to pursue my doctorate at the institution that would really have been the best choice for my field, because it had a reputation for being extremely cutthroat. Instead, I chose a program with a reputation for cooperation and collegiality, which suited my own personality much better. It was a wise choice, not only for my own sanity, but to have experience in a well-functioning department - this has served me well ever since. I think we collectively put up with a lot more crap (why do we tolerate behavior that would not be acceptable in most kindergarten classrooms??) than we have any good reason to.

[Bardiac]

I'm sure you're absolutely right that the departmental culture and colleagiality (or lack of colleagiality) is a major factor in the way graduate student friendships form. I think a couple of additional issues are at work in making graduate school friendships difficult, at least in fields where jobs are highly competitive.

First, if someone's thinking in terms of the easy friendships a lot of (most?) undergrads make, s/he's probably going to be disappointed.

It's harder to make friends in the undergrad way because grad students don't usually live in as close contact, many people already have established relationships/are part of a couple, people are older, and so forth.

Also, people generally realize that they're going to be moving FAR away, and that long distance friendships are hard to maintain unless there's some other connection. You may see an old grad school pal and feel rekindlings of friendship a couple times a year at conferences for a day or two, but other than that, you're going to move on.

As people get further into programs in competitive fields, they see sad/bitter/disappointed people without jobs at the end of the program. It's hard to deal with that pain (both as the person without the job, and as a friend), and I've seen a lot of people on both sides self-protectively draw back from those relationships or from allowing those relationships to develop.

That's not to say you can't make friends or have great relationships. The best relationships I had in grad school tended to be with people outside my subfield; that was especially true in my dissertation writing group.

[camicao]

Grad school is unfriendly. My advice-- get a head start on what you will need for a well-rounded and healthy emotional life after graduate school: friends outside of academia. Doing what you have to do to meet them, know them, sustain your relationship with them, will have the pleasant side-effect of reminding you that your self-worth is not only tied in to work.

[academic coach]

Oh, camicao, thanks for coming over to comment. Great advice, as usual. We miss you...

[New Kid on the Hallway]

Camicao's advice is very good. I'm sorry I've never managed to take it! (Seriously - with the exception of my college friends, basically ALL my friends are academics.)

[academic coach]

And New Kid...
once you have kids/if you have kids, most of your friends will become mommies and daddies. sigh.

[Anastasia]

grad school is not unfriendly per se. that's just unfair. departments differ. mine works hard at collegiality and it works. I love my cohort and will be friends with them for life.